Open Letter: Welcome to Heartbreak

This is my open letter. This is for me. This is me expression my feelings in a platform that I have created. This is not to hurt anyone or point fingers. This is my closure. This is my way to move forward. This is not for you. I’m probably going to hear, “Why are you telling all of my business you still don’t get it.” (finger wave finger wave) Kanye Shrugs to it all. This isn’t a fully descriptive all access look into things, it is a very diminutive description. Remember this is for me.  This is my open letter.

 

I have never been the person to express my true feelings to others. I say I’m shy and many people don’t believe me when I say that because I’m naturally an outgoing person, but I truly am shy when it comes to feelings and emotions. I never was the person to speak up in situations when I definitely should have. I don’t like controversy or arguing. I rather stay calm and figure out another way to work out an issue. Me not expressing my thoughts or opinions when it may lead to controversy is probably holding me back from being great. It’s something I need to work on.  Music is my outlet for my expression. I’ve been writing seriously since college. I would mostly write hip hop, but the first full song I every wrote was sad song called ,Take Me to a Place, a song expression some of the things I was going through at the time in college. The hook went like:

 

“Take me to a place where I want to be

I’m feeling kind of down I want to be happy

Be happy, I want to be happy”

I wrote songs about love and I had never been in love. It was something I wanted to experience and feel because it just seemed right for a hopeless romantic like myself. I never experienced that puppy love in middle school or high school. I did have a girlfriend junior year. She was a transfer student who looked good and everybody wanted her and “I” got her. I was excited because she was my first girlfriend, no middle school 2 week BS. We went out for a whopping month. When we broke up the next week she started going out with my basketball teammate. Messed up right. She said I was too nice. Really too nice? I was hurt listening to a lot of Keisha Cole after that break up. Music is always my outlet. I still didn’t know what love was. It was hard to make that step to getting a girlfriend after that situation because I really didn’t trust chicks.

Making Love, but wasn’t in Love: College Years

I go to college and in my mind I’m not trying to wife any girl here. This is four years of fun and wildness. Junior year I met a really cool girl. She was smart, had a great smile, personality, caring, and the sex  got to be pretty damn good. What we did in the bedroom felt like more than just sex because the connection we had was pretty amazing. Could we have been “making love” ? I would say yes for the most part. It was really intimate. Did I love her? No. I was a liar and an asshole to her and I didn’t deserve someone as nice as her. I was a junior she was a senior. I lived in Atlanta and she lived in Boston. I would come up with excuses for myself to not ask her to be my girlfriend. I was caught up in the college life trying to get “bodies'”, that’s what we use to call it. She was my main chick and I was messing around on the side with other chicks. She caught me in a lie early in our unique relationship we had with one another. I was chilling in my dorm about to go to sleep and a girl who I wanted to “splack”, have intercourse with, wanted to come by so I took her up on the opportunity. Was it worth it? Hellll Noo. I received a call the next day from “My Main” asking  what I do last night and I told her I just chilled. All was good. She called back within a minute and I freaking knew what was about to go down. Oh, how things travel in college.  I didn’t pick up call after call. Then she text me saying “stop being a pussy and pick up the phone”, WGs don’t play either black people. I picked up and she curse me out. It was well deserved. I apologized so much and we got back on the “right track”, but I was still sneaking around with other chicks. I wasn’t shit. My excuse for my actions, “She isn’t my girlfriend.” But the feelings were there. She is a great girl . I put that experience in a song called No Good featuring Amy Winehouse on my New Wave Compilation. I’m not sure if she heard it but, I said I was sorry and I still am. I always tell her happy birthday and let her know when I’m in Boston, but I haven’t seen her since I was a senior in college, but she is doing well and I’m happy she is.

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First Love/ First Heart Break

My friend from back in elementary invites me out to a lounge for his birthday and at the party I see the girl who I had a huge crush on  and went out with in 8th grade for like 2 weeks. In middle school that was usually the standard and I have no clue why we broke up. I recognized her, but didn’t say anything because remember I’m shy. So she calls me out “Marcel you can’t say nothing” I’m like “oh, wassup how you been”. She was looking amazing and I had to have her, just like middle school. A few months later I did and asked her out on her birthday. Dumb decision fellas do not do that. Anniversary on your girls birthday is not a wise decision, but I was in the moment and I could care less. She was the first girl I ever brought over to my house to meet my mother and sister so they both knew she was someone special and she was. We started off so great and I was fallen so hard for her. She was truly amazing. Before I asked her out I got into a car accident with a brand new car my grandmother got me. I felt so horrible. She surprised me with a card and a ninja turtle (my favorite super heroes) t-shirt. I thought that was just so sweet and amazing. I knew she was the one after that no question. I don’t remember what day I told her “I love you”, but I remember it was at my house on the couch probably a month after we started going out. We made a bet on who would say it first and my helpless ass lost, but I had to say it because I felt it. I couldn’t describe the feeling, but I was filled with warm happiness and satisfaction. I always wanted to be with her and I couldn’t stop thinking of her. I wanted to go out of my way for her to make her happy because I always wanted her to be happy, it made me happy. This had to be love and it was. Still till this day the best I ever felt was with her on Valentines day. The state of mind I was in was so positive, loving, and comfortable. It felt like I was in Heaven.  We were really in love with one another. I started writing songs about her. We had this thing of naming our future children. This was only a few months in. I mentioned “future Wife” in one of the songs I wrote so this was the real deal for me. I even got her ring size 4 1/2 just in case. I was head over heels in love with this girl.

Not all love stories are happy ones. This was my first real relationship so I was still learning on how to deal with things and she was a veteran. She’s been through the ups and downs of a relationship and she told me her patience would be thin with me. We would have dumb arguments over some stupid things. I thought they were little issues and she thought they were big issues. Mars and Venus at its best. I admit I would say some stupid things that would get me in the dog house. It felt like every 2 weeks we would argue. I just didn’t get it. The trust wasn’t there because of some stupid things I said. You know women always ask these test questions and my dumbass usually got them wrong. I never cheated and I would never put myself in a position to, because she didn’t deserve it because I know what she has been through and it wasn’t worth it, but that’s not enough to keep someone. I knew I was losing her. I would write down what she told me I need to work on and we think really hard on what we need to do to make things work. I would literally stop what I’m doing run to my car, drive as fast as possible to see her because I thought I would have lost her if I wasn’t there.  Some movie type of shit. That is not the way to have a relationship. Always on edge thinking your partner will leave you. I fought really hard for us and she tried too, but she said early in the relationship what was going to happen if things didn’t change. I took a lot of verbal abuse from her. Being called stupid, idiot, immature,bitch, pussy, irresponsible immature (I was never called immature in my life, the older females in school were always drawn to me, because I was maturer then most)etc. She didn’t respect me any more.  I didn’t call her out on her BS because I didn’t want to lose her. I was so afraid of losing her that I got lost in the relationship. I took the blame for things that really weren’t my fault. I was on edge and not being myself. Deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work out. She would ask me question early in the relationship like “would you still be my friend if we broke up”. Why are you thinking like that? I forgot what I answered, knowing me I probably said yes, but we are not friends. We broke up around this time last year. I can’t believe its been a year. We broke up about 2 times before it was official. If you really love one another there will be more than one break up. Let me rephrase that first statement, she broke up with me 2 times through a text message before we officially broke up. I went up to her to talk about the weak ass text message break up. She wouldn’t look me in the eye and she was playing it off and smiling a little. Her attitude was like she didn’t give a fuck and she would usually express that, but I realized she did later on when I saw the bigger picture. That was how she copped with the emotional roller coaster she was put in, by hiding her feelings because the hurt would consume her and she didn’t need that stress. We tried to work it out and we had a bigger break up and I felt like she wanted to intentionally hurt me (verbally). I understand that I hurt her from my stupid actions, but nothing had malice. I felt like she had malice. When she said she regret being with me that was the dagger. There are some things you don’t say to someone who would do anything for you and she said it. No lie I had to walk out of the establishment I was at and I just started to cry man. That shit hurt so much and I know I did not deserve that. The last year of my mother, my hero, my world, my everything life I spent most of my time with my now EX. I didn’t regret it because I wanted to be with her. So for her to say that really messed me up. Did she mean it I don’t know, but everything said has some truth. That day I stepped out of line and called her out of her name. I said she was acting like a Bitch. even though I didn’t say “You’re a bitch” it still meant the same. I apologize for that. The relationship was over. We tried to work it out after, but it made things worse. She resented me and I don’t think she could handle being my friend from that hurt that I caused her. I get that. She invited me out one night and that ended up in a fight and that was the last of it. She sent another hurtful email that I wish I read earlier because I would not have even reached back out to her after she called me by “mistake” one day. More hurtful shit to knock me down.  I try to keep my mental in tact by talking about my feelings to close family, which she wasn’t a fan of. I reached out to them and God for guidance to help me save my relationship. I always told them there is two sides of a story so don’t think I’m always the good guy.

 We never talked. No happy birthday or Merry Christmas since the break up. Deep dow I wanted to hear from her, but I didn’t. I was going to reach out to her during her birthday because I heard she had a rough day and it would have been our two-year anniversary, but why reach out to her when she didn’t reach out to me. Petty I know.  I told her in our last disgruntled email conversation that she can always call me if she needs anything. I left a door open, but she slammed it.

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Seeing your Ex for the First Time

I saw her in November of last year at the same friends birthday party from when we first reconnected. I knew she was going to be there so I was mentally prepared to see her. Big Sean’s  IDFWU help me get to that stability. Music is my outlet. I shook her hand said hi and that was it. She blocked me from all social media after we broke up so that help me out so I wouldn’t creep on her page. You know Ex’s be curious of one another especially your first love.

I saw her last month for the second time at an art event. Haven’t seen her since I said hi at the bday party. We haven’t talked in 8 months probably and it remained that way. She didn’t say anything so I didn’t say anything. We are so mature lol.  I would have if she approached me. I can’t approach and start any type of conversation because remember I’m shy and I don’t know what I would get out of it or how she would react. It was awkward of course and I wasn’t mentally prepared to see her. We were literally back to back at one point. I was talking to one of the artist in the show who was in my show a month prior and she walked by us taped him on the shoulder and said I will be upstairs I thought that was interesting.

The Saturday the time went forward I was chilling at my place practicing on my keyboard when I saw a picture of the same artist from my show with her on my FB time line. I had to be curious and go on his IG and check out if there was any more pictures and there were #WCW and more. That shit hurt man. I felt so cold inside and I was shaking a little. Many emotions started to blossom. When they say love hurts I felt it that night. I knew this day would come but not so soon and not with someone I actually know. I got out my notepad and started to write a song. Music has always been my outlet whether listening or writing.  It was hard to sleep that night and the pain carried on to the next day. I talked to some close love ones of mine to help me get through the day. I tend to vent on IG, but in an uplifting way and I did that day. I know its natural to feel anger and say fuck her, fuck the dude she’s with, and fuck her happiness. Deep down I want to feel like that, but I truly don’t. The guy is a cool dude, honorable, and I have much respect for his art and grind. I saw another picture on the TL and it does sting a little, but she looks happy. She has been through so much and she needs to be happy and loved and hopefully he is the right one to do that because I wasn’t as hard as a tried.

As an ex you see your last love happy and deep down you wish it was you providing that happiness, but it’s not and it’s something you have to deal with. Keep striving forward and keep positivity in your life because the situation you had with your partner eventually became negative.  I wasn’t a positive aspect in her life so she has moved forward and I get that and understand it. Have I thought about calling her, texting her, making an excuse this past year to see her? Yes, She was my first love. Do I still care for her, Yes. She’s aware that I do because I have expressed it plenty of times in my rebuttal emails saying I appreciate her and I will always be there for her and love her. I remain true to that statement. Maybe some how she didn’t believe it or just disregarded it. Does she feel the same I don’t  know. That’s  just the person I am. I always been a loving person because I grew up in that type of household. My dad would be in and out of jail giving my mom hell, but she always loved him . If he had nowhere to stay our doors would always be open for him. She can call me or talk to me whenever. Could we be friends? I’m not sure because I do know if I could handle that. That might not be best anyway.

I’m proud of myself that I never back slipped into the relationship, calling her and sending drunk text. I’ve learned much about myself and that I need to work on some things to become the great person I plan to be. Relationships are a learning and teaching experience for both parties in a good way and bad way. No one in my life who I cared about saw so much negative in me then her. It was a wake up call. I believe I’ve grown since last year. I’m still trying to move forward getting completely over her, but I don’t know if anyone gets completely over their first love. I will never forget that she told me she prayed for someone to come in her life then I showed up, but God wasn’t sending me to her. God was sending her to me.  I lost both of my parents the year she was my girlfriend and I had her to lean on. I will always thank God for that and she will always be appreciated for those difficult times.

To sum up this open letter, Love is a beautiful thing mixed with some misreable pain, and everyone should be lucky enough to experience it.  I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do have my friends, family, my notebook with many future songs (thanks to love and heartbreak) and a bright future. God has someone out there for me and when the time is right I will fall in love again.

To You Crystal:

If you read this don’t turn it to something negative like you use to do. Please. This is not coming from a negative place. I’m glad you are happy and I hope everything works out. It’s tough to say that, but I mean it. I plan to become the great man you saw when you fell in love with me. Good luck with everything and I’m sure everything will work out for you. #LiveLifeLite

My open Letter –

Since its Wednesday Why Not

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